Parenting vs. Therapy

Does my child need different parenting or does she need therapy?

There is a difference between parenting a child and providing therapy to a child. When I am a therapist, I am not a parent. When I am a parent, I am not a therapist. There is a crucial subtlety between the roles and I understand them well, because I am both- a therapist and a parent.

Sometimes, adults will bring a child into my therapy office with the hope- or fear- that I will be their child's temporary parent. They want me to:

• Teach their child (e.g., "Explain to her that XYZ is wrong") or

• Hold expectations for their child (e.g., "Tell him he has to respect us") or

• Be the "punishment" for their child's misbehavior (e.g., "She did this bad thing, so she now has to come to therapy")

I do not do these things, as a therapist. I do not have the privilege of raising your child; only parents have the privilege of instilling values, defining expectations and shaping their child's moral choices. A family's morals and values are wholly unique and I am not qualified to judge any of a family's morals or values as "right" or "wrong." If a parent decides the children in their family will be racist or hurtful... or honor particular religious tenets... or prioritize academics or kindness... I do not question any of this. Parents decide how they will guide the precious humans who were given to them to raise.

I can help parents to:

• Identify, and clarify, the morals and values they want to instill

• Build a bridge of Connection to their child necessary for instilling those morals and values

• Identify and honor differences in morals and values that will allow them to still have love and deep Connection with their child

I can help parents with the how of raising a child, but I cannot be a parent for them. Parents, "good" ones and "bad" ones, are irreplaceable. Many times, a child's greatest challenges come from simply being disconnected... and once they feel Connection again, they have a lifeline that allows them to weather emotional storms.

I am a Changer of Relationships; relationships between a child-parent, child-sibling, child-peers, and child-teachers. Sometimes, in order to effect this change, I need to help a child- or a parent- manage their anger, worry or sadness, better. I am adept at knowing how to shift relationships between a child and their Others, to get a child back in Connection quickly.

Some children do not have emotionally available adults. In these cases, I ask that parents seek out their own therapy, so they can be emotionally available for parenting. If a child's parents do not do this, I help the child to seek, and secure, relationships with Others who will help her define her morals and values. In the emotional/physical absence of a parent, I do not become a person who parents a child; I teach the child how to meet his own needs for emotional stability, validation and guidance.

If you are a parent who is considering therapy for your child, understanding the distinction between my role (therapist) and your role (parent) will help us to work together better, to get your child out of The Dark Place that is so painful for all of you. Hopefully, it will affirm your understanding that I am not a replacement for you, but a scaffold for your entire family and it will make the process of Getting Help so much easier.