Today, I found myself feeling anxious. This is typically a foreign feeling for me. I'm usually more prone to sadness. So, I noticed it. And, being the therapist I am, I did some breathing to calm down my tapping toes and my fidgeting hands.
And, I began to ask myself where this anxiety was coming from. Why was I nervous? And I realized it was because I wanted something. Very much. And I did not know, still do not know, if I will get what I want.
I realized that my anxiety was attached to my expectation... attached to wanting a particular outcome. I was worried that the outcome would not come to me. This was a big understanding for me because I know that I cannot control the outcome of... anything, really. Assuring an outcome is something none of us can do. We can only Be.
I realized I needed to let go of my expectation... of my need for a particular outcome. I needed to simply Be. I needed to stand, quietly, on the edge of my not-knowing, not-controlling, and step off. Take a leap. Move forward. Putting the best Me I've got, out There. Having faith that I would land exactly in the Right Spot, at the Right Time.
This realization, that I did not have control over the outcome, and that my only responsibility was to walk forth, with great intention to Be Who I Am, was very comforting. Instead of worrying about what would happen, I began recalling all of the Good Things about myself. I played through all of the Thoughts of how I am awesome and amazing and how The Right Outcome would be naturally attracted to my shine.
I have no idea how things will turn out. I have no idea if I will get what I want. Perhaps I will get something I didn't expect. Or something I don't want. But, for this morning, I stopped tapping my toes and wringing my hands. And I won a very silent victory against my unexpected worries. So, I'm calling that a Win for today.